Public Speaking – The saddest, funniest blog entry ever

They say never say never. I’m saying NEVER!  Never will I do what I did again. I don’t even have to exaggerate to make this story sound dramatic. This was my second to last trip for 2008 and life evidently decided to kick me in the butt on the way out.

 

On Tuesday, I got the bright idea to drive three hours from Houston to Austin to go take care of some things. By the time I got to Austin, the farthest thing on my mind was driving three hours back to Houston. Instead, I opted to wake up at 3am and drive the three hours back to Houston…AND…the additional four hours to Baton Rouge, Louisiana! Ninety minutes into the trip, I was punching my legs, trying to stay awake. If I rolled down the windows, the air was too cold. If I left them up, the windows fogged up. I was so pissed that I made this foolish decision.

 

By the time I got to Houston, morning traffic was in gridlock already. I had to detour and swing down by my house. I was that close to pulling off the highway and going to bed, telling the school I just didn’t feel like speaking. I would mail them a DVD to make up for my absence. That would be cold, wouldn’t it?

 

I pressed on, feeling good about myself because I defeated my fatigue (for the most part). By the time I got to Louisiana, I was very tight on time. I stopped to get gas, put the nozzle in the car, set it on automatic and stepped away to stretch my legs. I looked up to see a Subway sandwich shop inside the gas station. Realizing that would be my last time to eat before my talk, I went inside and ordered from the SLOWEST freakin’ dude ever. He must have gotten stuck in the label they used to use when they called themselves “sandwich artists.” Homeboy lined up the pickles so they were all symmetrical and evenly spaced. I was fuming.

 

I called to get my hotel set up for the evening. The lady asked me 59 questions about my address, employer, sleeping preference, etc. I was like, “Are you trying to help me find a room or a wife? Dang!” I was so frustrated, I got in the car, slammed the door, threw my Perfect Pickle sandwich on the passenger’s seat and took off.

 

I heard a loud crash, like something hit me. I looked back and realized…I FORGOT TO TAKE THE NOZZLE OUT OF THE CAR! Oh my damn. Gas was spouting out like Niagra Falls. I stopped and looked in disbelief. My car was dragging the nozzle and hose like it had tail. Instantly, I was faced with a dilemma: do I do the Christian thing and tell them or do I peel the heck out like Smokey and the Bandit? Well, I chose to tell them…but not because of any religious conviction. I paid via credit card, so they already had me pegged. Bastards!

 

This was my first trip using my new GPS. Texas to Baton Rouge is a straight shot down I-10, so I figured it would be a safe bet. I plugged the coordinates in and headed East. I loved how it said, “Next turn in 250 miles!” However, I realized once I arrived at my destination that I put in the coordinates for the wrong campus! It was 15 minutes before showtime and I was 10 minutes away.

 

But I made it. Barely.

 

Once I got there, I was in for yet another turn. I already knew from a previous visit that I was going to be speaking in their multi-purpose area/lounge/dining facility (which is DOOM for a presentation, by the way). But this was different. I thought they were going to have a couple classes there to watch me. Nope, that would be too much like normal. There was just a smattering of students, spread out across the room, eating, playing cards and listening to their iPods. They weren’t thinking about motivation, leadership, success or anything else that was about to come out of my mouth. They were on break, and it looked like they were about to break me if I started talking too loudly.

 

The girl who introduced me was from Bulgaria and had only been in the States a couple years. English clearly wasn’t her native language. She might as well have been speaking Bulgarianese based on the way people completely ignored her timid voice. Finally, the advisor had to grab the mic and said, “Hey y’all, listen up. Jonathan Sprinkles is here to motivate you. You need to pay attention and y’all’s asses might learn something!” Nah, she didn’t really say that, but that would be so funny if she did! But the atmosphere was still pretty bad. It was the equivalent of walking into a crowed pool hall, handing me a mic and saying, “Speak…now!”

 

I couldn’t hold in my laughter about how jacked up this was. I even said out loud, “This is going to be great material for my blog tonight.” Still laughing, I began by apologizing to the students in the back for interrupting their break. I asked those who wanted to hear me speak to raise their hands. NOBODY flinched! I asked those who wanted to hear me speak to move to the front. NOBODY moved a muscle. I busted out laughing again. I felt like a cheap Las Vegas entertainer in the lobby of a hotel that rents rooms by the hour. I was about to see if I could get away with telling three dirty jokes and a limerick and leaving.

 

In my mind, I said, “Lord, I know you have me here for a reason. Right now, I really don’t see it, but I’ll do my best. You do the rest.” I proceeded as normal, almost like I was practicing in front of the mirror. A few people looked up, then a few more turned their chairs around. Then some moved up to the front.

 

By the time I was done, 90 percent of the room was locked in. It was a comeback reminiscent of John Elway’s fourth quarter drives. While I clearly wasn’t “on”, it wasn’t a bad job at all and a small group came up to me after saying that the message was exactly what they needed at that time.

 

SPRINKLE OF WISDOM: If you have a speaking engagement, don’t call it quits before you try. You are there for a reason. And you NEVER know who’s listening!

 

SPRINKLE OF WISDOM #2: Always have a few activities in your back pocket that you can use to pull in a crowd. Getting audience volunteers early on is the best way to convert an audience. Even if they don’t know, like or care about you, they will still want to watch their buddies on stage. Wit and humor require a certain level of rapport. Activities are like magic, they work instantly to get people’s attention.

 

SPRINKLE OF WISDOM #3: Sometimes bad speaking environments can build you up in areas that will make you more valuable in arenas that are more amenable to your keynote. If you can survive a cafeteria, you will kill in a convention center…for double the money!

 

Connection is key,

 

 

Jonathan

“The Connection Coach”